Fatherhood
by Botsey
Summary: This story involves the death of a main character - but it's also about life as well.  Complete explanation in A/N inside.


I woke up with this story running in my mind. So I sat down to put it to paper because it just would not go away. I am not into angst, or tragedy. I am mostly into fairy tale endings. So this stretches my abilities quite a bit. Emotional person that I am, tears did flow, especially when composing Spock's letter. Indulge me, this story became a necessity so I could finish the others that are being written.

Now that that is out of my system, I will proceed to my other tasks.

Botsey

Fatherhood

It had been six weeks, five days, fifteen hours and thirteen minutes…since he died. Nyota had been immediately confined to quarters. Sarek's call to the captain had initiated a suicide watch. As her father-in-law said, the bond was broken suddenly. She would be experience what Vulcans call The Unspeakable Void.

Their quarters…no now her quarters had been made sound sensitive. Every breath or step she took showed up on a screen somewhere on the Enterprise. Probably in sickbay. How could she scream, sob, break out in an uncontrollable release and have others be privy to it. So, there had been none of the above. Her emotions were bottled up as much as it would have been for her Vulcan half, her Spock.

Her paremts had attempted to contact her. She did not answer. Sarek and T'Nere had made a futile attempt. Even Admiral Pike had put forth an effort, to no avail. Kirk and McCoy knocked often. Her reply was, "I want to be alone."

And alone she was. There were no thoughts, endearments, ideas, comments or revelations bombarding her consciousness-she was truly alone. The first time in years.

Now she did mentally chastise herself, Spock was not only her husband, but also Sarek's son. Shutting herself off from him was inexcusable. Maybe tomorrow…

She had not left her room, barely eaten. She noticed how her clothing had started to hang from her body like a flour sack. When she looked in the mirror the dark circles under her eyes made them appear to be mere slits.

She went to his bureau and pulled out a undershirt and held it to her face and breathed deeply of his scent. Burying her face in the shirt she started rocking to and fro on their bed, no,…her bed. With that statement she screamed at the top of her voice and curled into a fetal position on…her…bed.

Within minutes, she heard McCoy's voice,

"I must come in Nyota. If you do not open the door in five seconds I will use my override."

Just above a whisper she said, "Door unlock."

McCoy stood at the door looking battle weary.

It dawned on her that the entire ship was grieving. Spock was not the only one lost. Seven crew members vanished in a second. She was at her station and heard the explosion. She turned around to observe the view screen and saw the fire ball breaking up and its particles drifting outward into space. She doesn't remember anything after that, except waking up in sick bay. McCoy's face above her, lips in a grim line.

He tried to speak, shook his head and left her biobed. Kirk, with red rimmed eyes was next on the 'visitor's list.' He took her hand, attempted to speak through lips that trembled. Then he was gone. From that point on Nyota feigned sleep.

Then, out of the blue, she got up, put on her boots and left sickbay. As she made her way, persons looked as if they wanted to approach her and either stopped on their own or were pulled back by a companion.

So began her silence.

Just as it was with his mother, there was no body to view, bury or send into the vastness of space.

Spock's shirt was now a damp ball. She got up and went to his bureau again. He had maintain the neatest drawers ever. She reached for a shirt at the bottom and her hands touched an envelope.

Pulling it out she saw in his impeccable Vulcan script:

To My Beloved

Her hands were trembling as she tore open the message from her husband.

_K'diwa:_

_It is my wish that you never have to view this message I send to you. But if you, due to circumstances beyond my control __are obligated to read this message. Please believe me, that my departure from you was never part of my plan. That it was forced and unexpected and that my final moments were filled with visions of you._

_I am assured of your discovery of this message because you would never be in my shirt drawer unless I was never going to return to you or it._

_The admission that is so difficult for my people to voice. The confession that it is possible to become so immersed into another person, to love another person totally is what I leave with you. Plus one other gift. I l place my perpetuity in your hands._

_Enclosed in this envelope is the address of a sperm bank in Los Angeles. I did not tell you of my visit to that location, knowing that it would have caused discomfort to you. But, I faced my mortality and embraced this way of continuing my life, through you._

_At one time I thought to ask you to join me by storing your life energy also. But when I thought about the fact that another female would be involved, I was repulsed. For my bond with you would not allow me to take such action._

_At a time that you have spent your grief, and can face such a responsibility, bear my children. If you are not opposed, go to New Vulcan. I have advised my father of this plan and he and T'Nere will welcome you. _

_I have no doubt that OUR children will reflect the both of us. Will be the best of both of us. _

_I have loved you with my entire being and now must release you._

_Your Adun,_

_Spockh_

Her body racked with sobs. She held the card with his name, her name and the identification number assigned to his speciman. How like him to take that action and trust her unconditionally.

The Enterprise made its way home through the darkness of space. Nyota released her grief and took on an almost dreamlike look on her face. She would bear his children, he would experience, through her action, fatherhood.

Epologue

Nyota had three children. Two sons and a daughter, seven grandchildren, sixteen great-grandchildren.

When she died, her body was transported to the exact coordinates where her beloved had been lost and like his, was released to the vastness of space.


End file.
